Fast-talking Micro Machines Man

I would also like to point out that the Fast-Talking Guy was also on Sesame Street in the 80’s, reciting Peter Piper and pushing Peanut Butter because he liked the letter P.

Fucking Elmo and his goddamn spotlight-whoring red ass need to fucking take a goddamn break so we can have more quality, educational bits like the fast-talking guy, rather than slowly retarding the children of today with baby talk and epileptic spasms of ADD fueled cocaine jerkiness.

Also, Cookie Monster fucking rocks harder than Elmo ever did. Fuck yeah, Cookie Monster. Crack open a Bud Light you google-eyed gobbler of the goodies, we salute your blue fur and wide-mouth penchant for the chocolate chips, the macaroons, the thin mints and whatever delectable baked goods you crammed into your gaping maw.

While you’re at it, bring back the Muppets that scare kids. Like the Martians and their “Yyyyyyyip yip yip yip yip yip yip AAAAAH-HAH.” Scared the hell out of me as a kid, looked like they could swallow an average-sized toddler and shit out the bones without missing a “yip”. While you’re at it, get some of the scarier Muppets from the muppet show and bring back the fanged and horned ‘monsters’ that were everywhere back in the day. Elmo? Zoey? That annoying blue one who speaks fluent Spanish? BULLSHIT. Kids only learn through TERROR. Fuck if I remember anything Elmo taught, or any of the shit that Emo-kid-spawning limpwrist Telly ever said, but goddamn, you say something with a Muppet that has enormous fangs and huge, yellow eyes in bizarre places and you fucking LISTENED. Why? Because if you didn’t that fucker would be UNDER YOUR BED.

Screw you, Brian Henson, teach with terror like your Dad did. You know it, I know it, the Muppets have always been fucking SCARY. Labyrinth and the Dark Crystal need no further explanation. The Muppet Show was rife with ghosts and terrors and evil things that just kind of ‘hung out’ backstage. Sweet Jesus, don’t even mention Fraggle Rock. Madame Heap, the anthropomorphic pile of garbage the Fraggles got their advice from was enough to have a wide-eyed youngster shivering in his sheets at 2am EASY.

So quit neutering the Muppets and making them lovable. We loved them and we learned from them because they were fucking scary-ass cold-blooded beings of evil, and because if we didn’t they’d eat us if we went into the goddamn basement.

I’m warning you, Henson, I’ll fucking hide Snookums in your shower.