penis.

I sort of like this idea.

Is it wrong to be a 99%-consumer of ponies?  Literal mental imagery aside, shouldn’t I be providing at least as much pony output as pony input?  Am I really writing this so I can type the word “pony” a bunch of times?  Should I just enjoy the ponies and be on my way?

Some back-story, perhaps.  That’s what this post needs.  Of course!  (I’m just getting warmed up here…)

The Backstory

It was a dark, foreboding night.  I sat alone in the sad light, which nearly refused to travel from the battered lamp from which it was emitted.  A pickaxe, gritty bottle of whiskey and three-legged stool were my only companions.

Amid hours of contemplation and inaction, deep within my consciousness loomed a dull yet somehow incensing image of what I knew was about to befall me.  Maybe I had internalized the task at hand more than most would consider healthy.  Maybe I was befalling it.

The floor groaned as I shifted my weight off of the stool and lumbered toward the door, pickaxe firmly gripped beneath battered knuckles.  I paused for a moment, glancing toward the small, flickering flame of my under-powered light source.

To say I grinned would be a lie.  Perhaps I grimaced less as I gently nudged the axe head across the floor toward the lamp.  A small tip, a slosh of oil, and the room was suddenly much warmer.  It was not the type of warmth a man seeks out, but one he finds himself engulfed in.  A warmth that could raze the past, given the opportunity.

I was feeling charitable.

I turned back toward the door, opening and moving through it as flames nipped at my heels.  A few more paces would allow darkness to replace the menacing warmth.  A few beyond that would solidify my determination.  A few more …

… would allow me to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on YouTube.

Well, this is awkward.

Okay, so maybe my introduction to My Little Pony was a little bit less dramatic than I have let on thus far.

The Game & The Friend

There is a particularly atrociously wonderfully magical map the game osu! that I sort of fell in love with:

After playing this map (about 9 million times, give or take), I wondered what the heck was up:

• Why is there some wacky-ass remix of the My Little Pony theme song?
• Why is there a rainbow-haired pony saluting?
• Why in the ball-sack is the song titled “Rainbow Dash Likes Girls (Stay Gay Pony Girl)”!?!

It was befuddling yet enjoyable.  The pony spark had planted itself in my brain.

One of my osu! friends, bedabeda, seemed to have a dedicated interest in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  This guy is around my age, likes ponies.  Got it – I had heard somewhat of the show’s “brony” following — people outside the target demographic; grown-ass dudes (and dudettes … to keep with my ridiculous writing style) instead of little girls in frilly pink dresses.  No offense, little girls.

The thing is, bedabeda’s pony shenanigans continued to draw me in.  I kept seeing images of characters from the show, having no idea in which context they were to be taken.  I appreciate a good internet meme or inside joke as much as anyone, as long as I understand it.  I think maybe I was starting to feel out of the loop.  Everywhere online I saw ponies — bizarre youtube videos, a seemingly endless supply of vectorized artwork, pony-related music.

The Revelation

Eventually I consulted with bedabeda (consulting sounds official, doesn’t it?) and decided to try watching the show.  For the next few days, I watched a couple episodes at night before falling asleep.  I was really enjoying it.  Then, one morning I had some kind of pony-powered revelation.  Perhaps I had reached the state of pony-nirvana.

That day I wrote my friend a message.  Here’s an excerpt:

This morning I felt awesome — not like, “whoa, I just slept 12 hours!” awesome (because I didn’t, arg), but mentally awesome, positive. As I was getting ready for work, I just felt more appreciative, just happy that I have a job, a place to live, friends — appreciative for everything I have.

So, at first I was thinking, “wait a minute — this is like one of those weirdo brony stories that people post on reddit.” Perhaps ponies didn’t “save my life” as some people have stated, but I think they are actively improving it, as silly (to me) as that sounds. There is something about this show, maybe just the simplicity of the lessons and experiences in the episodes. Maybe on a primal level, after a healthy dose of pre-sleep ponies, my brain had something motivational to latch onto and mull over while I slept. Maybe I relate with the characters.. I don’t know.

The true length of this message rivaled this ridiculous blog post.

The Truth & What I Love

I am a brony.

I generally don’t give a lot of credence to labels as such, but I want to stand behind this one.  I have been pleasantly amazed at the kindness and generosity I have seen in the communities that have formed in support of My Little Pony.  That alone would make me stick around, but I also love the fan-generated content, the art, the music.

I also love that Hasbro, who owns the pony franchise, has generally played nicely with regard to copyright versus the brony community.

I love that the show’s creators have included references to The Big Lebowski, and more.

What’s also amazing is that I actually had more I wanted to include in this post.  I’m saving it.  I have excess content.  This site may never be the same.

I hope you all like ponies.  I know I do.

…

Happy New Year.  May gonad.org remain as devoid of content has it has for the past 10 years!

Shouldn’t we do something special?  It has been 10 years, after all.  And I mean “we” as the collective  we — shouldn’t humanity itself do something nice for gonad.org?

now have some content for christmas:  the evolution of gonads. yeah. beetle penis.

The problem is that I want another keyboard phone. This would be fine if I just got the Droid 3, but I hear there’s this LTE network that I should hook into for maximum speed downloads, and Droid 3 doesn’t use that, it uses this gross EVDO network that hasn’t been cool for months now.

I read that there is this Samsung phone, I believe it was the Galaxy, that does the keyboard and the 4G LTE thing, but the battery life is atrocious. I have battery charging issues as it is, so I don’t know if I want to go frustrating myself even further by reducing the time my phone holds a charge.

Then there’s the Droid 4, the fourth generation of my current phone, which is not out yet. No removable battery? Are you fucking kidding me? How do I replace the battery if I need to, bash the thing open with a rock? Depend on Verizon to replace it for various service charges? Is there a limit on questions per paragraph in my gonad.org contract anywhere? As difficult as it is to break out of hypothetical question mode, I’ll say this: Android phones should not be locking down their power supplies under plastic and awkward to remove, non-standard mini screws. This is supposed to be the open-source-y answer to the iPhone lockdown, and now this newest Droid, the successor to the one that re-launched the Android image almost two years ago, is emulating it. I want my open source battery covers, dammit!

So I’m down on this crowd. I’m real upset, and I mean that in the most #firstworldproblem way. I could try some 4G non-keyboard phones, but I really like the ability to bust out the physical keyboard so that i don’t have to lose 79% of the screen real estate with a software keyboard if I don’t want to. How else am I supposed to play nethack on my phone? It’s simply impossible to play it with a software keyboard.

So now I sit and stew, waiting for Ms. Right Android Phone to come along and save me from my evil old hag of a Droid 1.

What does the burgeoning tech utopia of gonad.org think I should do?

When Dave mentioned making a video game, the first thing I wanted to do was make the music. The game has faded into obscurity but my song with it’s not-exactly-appropriate orchestral breakdown is still pretty awesome.

Thanks, “anonymous singer.”