Many times throughout history people have been upset by pizza topping conflict. I’ve spend months in my study considering the concept of group pizza dynamics and I have come up with the following solution(s).

1) Large Group Pizza Ratios. 4:3:1; that’s one mushroom pizza for every three pepperonis and every four plain pizzas.

Analysis: The pizza for a large group situation is generally going to be a bad time for some people. But this bad time:good time ratio can be kept at appropriate levels by using this plain:pepperoni:mushroom ratio. Everyone has something they might appreciate in this situation; normal people like myself will eat plain. Veggie people will eat the mushrooms and will likely dip into that plain pile as well. Meat people will reek of grease with their pepperoni.

Why no sausage? Why no peppers and onions? This is because large groups bring about weakened pizza choice. Once you get into 30-40-3,300-4,400 people, the basics become the priority. You should be glad to get a slice at all, really.

2) Medium Groups. Medium groups of about 10 or so should result in one or two plain pizzas. The rest of the pies are to be a mixed bag of sorts. Pizza Organizer Man/Lady should query the group to see what kind of ideas would go over well, and split two other pizzas of appropriate sizes with the most popular choices.

Analysis: This group is small enough for it to be okay to break out the Hawaiian pizza or anchovies with onions or whatever screwed up toppings you kids eat these days. This kind of choice in the larger group would result in bewilderment, as standards have been cast aside and morality has broken down; riots may ensue.

3) Small group – Always ask the group what they want; plain may never even come up.

4) Group of assholes – You don’t give pizzas to assholes, you tell them to get off of your property.

These are the rules of engagement for pizza in groups. STARTING NOW, Internet.