What the Fuck is This Shit?

wtf #1:

alright, in an odd chain of cause and effect I have come to realize that a) I may possibly be insane, and b) that weird looking old woman from quite a few Old Navy commercials may in fact be an alien (I had always assumed as much). let me explain if i may.

I found myself drying off after a lengthy shower, only to notice an odd thing on my foot:

three small red dots. bumps, in fact, arrenged in a nearly linear, triangular pattern. first thing that came to mind: the pyramids of Giza! if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Clive Ross’ research page on the subject of the Giza pyramids aligning with the stars and planets and whatnot.

second thing that came to mind: aliens. alien implants, to be more specific. after all, we’ve all heard the claims that aliens built the pyramids. y’know, people also claim to have all this stuff done to their heads when they get abducted. stuff jabbed up their noses and into their brains and everything. well, sooner or later these aliens must have gotten worried that their whole abdution deal was going to be spoiled by some whiny bastards. so, using the most simple logic I can come up with, what is the farthest spot from the head? the foot! so, right at this moment, I may be unwillingly be acting as some sort of intergalactic guinea pig with alien foot implants. oh the agony.

wtf #2:

as I previously mentioned, I was drying off after a shower, so I just so happened to be in the bathroom. upon noticing the Giza pyramids outlined on my foot, I placed it on the lid of the toilet to get a closer, better lighted view of the remarkable scene. after my aforementioned realizations, I became aware of a mirror, placed between some bathroomy stuff on the back of the toilet. I snapped this picture after disturbing it from its resting place:

ordinary enough, right? well my friends, what brought my attention to this marvelous reflecting device was not its “quality” craftmanship, nor its unequaled footing design. it was in fact that “picture” that was displayed on the oppoisite side:

as you can see (unless crippled by blindness or text-only browser), this is one of those fake pictures that companies like to place in picture frames, wallets and the like, to guide the blitheringly simple public along. although, I have been (un)fortunate enough to witness these pictures used in lieu of real photographs by old (and most likely crazy) women on several occasions. anyway..

bemused and mildly perplexed by this picture, I decided to study it more closely. a woman and child are viewing a book. at first I wondered, could this be a religious book? did some dollar-store mirror manufacturing company sneak in a bible for a hush-hush payoff by the church?! utilizing the skills of a linguist and forensic scientist combined, I slowly translated the slanted and fuzzy words on the book cover. at first I could only decipher “_itten _ports.” I was thinking “Kitten Sports?” or something similar. then, with some intuition coming into play, I got the beginning of it: “Help Is On The Way For.”

with an almost instinct-like quickness, I made my way to Amazon.com to utilize this glorious partial search string. I quickly saw the book title I was looking for: “Help Is On The Way For: Written Reports.”

wtf #3:

one might assume this is where my story would (and should) end, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t come accross another oddity:

this is a screenshot of the Amazon.com page for the book, quite obviously. but note the line that reads “Customers who wear clothes also shop for.” uhh. first of all, doesn’t that sound really fucking weird? does Amazon.com get a lot of nudist customers shopping on their site, who would be offended if they were offered clothes without being warned that they were only for clothes-wearing individuals? you could almost see this as some sort of reverse discrimination, but I let you, the reader, dwell on that one.

after overcoming the perplexities of this situation, I was hit with what can only be described as completely enlightenment. I had reached nirvana. wouldn’t Buddah be proud? forth on the list of non-nudist merchandise (which was luckily nowhere near the first and very weird option, “Clean Underwear”) was “Cheetah Print Slippers,” offered by Old Navy. ok. lets think about this (and you’ll notice this same logic works with the “Ladybug Rain Boots”):

cheetah print = spots.

slippers = feet.

spots on feet.

my foot.

spots.

spots on my foot.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I truely consider the possibility that I am far from in control of anything, especially my own life. is alien-controlled Old Navy sending out psychic waves through my television and computer screen to coerce me into buying fucking cozy accessorises for my feet? I’m finding it hard to hold onto the idea that I make my own destiny. what is going on? am I dreaming? what is the matrix? (haha, couldn’t help myself.) I think coincidence is far too sobering for it to be coincidence.

guess I’ll go put the mirror back on the toilet now…

©2002-2005 Justin Kraft. Please don’t steal my shit. Amazon.com shit is not my shit, but don’t steal it either.